Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
