my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
