THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
