Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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