just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
