so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
