Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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