Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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