i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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