dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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