If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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