I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just invented taco cereal.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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