I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize