2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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