I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
