Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
