When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
