I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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