Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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