We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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