It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
