I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
