so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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