when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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