im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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