If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
