Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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