the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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