I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
