My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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