I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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