It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
