I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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