I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
