I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
