i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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