oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
