ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
