she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
