I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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