he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
