i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize