WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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