I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
