Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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