my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize