i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
