I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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