She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
