yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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