I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When are your genitals available?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
