4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
