i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
