I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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