OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
