I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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