cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
