guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So. Much. Porn.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
