i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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