O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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